ChinoValdez.com

Never Been Jumped

Had this crazy dream the other night. One of those dreams that you wake up tired from because you feel like you've used up so much energy while sleeping. Check this out: I'm working at some newspaper and they need someone to go undercover and write an expose on the gang problem at some high school. So, I bust a Drew Barrymore from "Never Been Kissed" and get my investigative reporting on. Here's the one cool thing about this dream. It's not actually me that goes out and does the report. I get a fucking high school student avatar! So, it's me but it's not me. Anyway, I report to my first day of school and immediately notice that yes, indeed there is a huge gang problem there. And the head son of a bitch is out to get me from the get-go. The dream then becomes nothing but a cat and mouse chase. And everywhere I run and turn to, there he is. A few people even pretend to help me by showing me secret places to hide. But then I realize I'm being set up. At one point I yell out, "I can't help being popular. People just like me! Why are you doing this to me?" For real. I don't even know if he was just trying to jump me in or kill me. And there was no resolution. I remember trying to wake myself up, like, dumb-fuck, clearly this is not real...wake up! And I did a few times, but I would just slip right back into the same dream. When I woke up I felt like I needed a nap from the dream. It was some intense stuff. And I never got to write up my report.

Done

This past Saturday, LSG and I had a chance to catch up with The Besties. At the end of the night, and once it was just the four of us, we had an absolutely brilliant conversation regarding letting go of people. As I was listening to The Female Bestie telling us about her woes, I actually found some closure in some of the relationships I'd been struggling with. You've all read this shit from me before. You all know that when I care about someone, I will go completely out of my way to help. And you know that there have been some people who've chosen to take advantage of that. And then I have to go all extreme and banish them from my life. In retrospect, I can recognize that this has been my pattern since I can remember. It seems so much easier for me to just walk away than actually try and work things out with the person. There's just only so much I can take from people. And you know what, usually I'm very right to follow my instinct. When I've tried to do the second or third chance thing, I get shit on again. And on the real, how many chances can you keep giving people until you finally convince yourself that they are who they are? At some point, you become the problem for not wanting to just accept them. And I've allowed myself to become the problem because I keep playing along. And I blame that on my need to be liked. I always feel like I have to tread so carefully with people who are fucking with my own state of mind. Well, you know what? Fuck that.

If my best friend can sit there and tell me how she's had to lay the law down with someone pretty fucking close to her, then why can't I do the same? It's almost embarrassing to point out that I don't have the guts to express myself sometimes. And just to keep it real...I should be able to look at someone, hold a knife to their throat and tell them that if they ever tell my wife she looks like our dog again, I will gladly end their miserable existence. And I should be able to tell someone that I'd rather take my chances with a 200 pound chimpanzee than sit there and pretend to be having a good time with them. I'm proud of The Female Bestie for taking a stand and it's just one more thing I repesct her for. And I truly wish that courage for myself.

When I was home on Tuesday I dreamt that I was sleeping on the couch (which I actually was). I heard paisa music coming from outside so I got up and peeked out the window. I realized it was our roommate coming home. I quickly ran back to the couch, threw the blanket over myself and pretended to continue sleeping. (Even in my dream, I could feel that anxiety I'd feel when I'd hear them pull up.) So he comes in and proceeds to have a conversation with me. I'm thinking, "Hello! I'm asleep you dumb-fuck!" but he kept talking. I make out that he's saying something like, he doesn't understand why we don't like him and he's gone so out of his way to try and fit in with us, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I get fed up, sit up and tell him to get over himself. I tell him that it's beyond whether or not I like him, but more so that I could give two shits less about him. I add that I am so absolutely sick and tired of him in my life. And that if it were up to me, I'd sever any and all ties that I have to him and his girlfriend. I ended it with, "Now in the name of all that is holy, can you please shut the fuck up and let me get some fucking sleep?!" And it felt so good. I woke up to the disappointment of knowing it wasn't real.

And so I believe, this is life's way of telling me I'm doing the right thing. I know I am. No matter who it is, no matter how I'm related to them or how I know them. I'm done.

One Strange Trip

So we're on our way to pick up The Besties from the airport, right? LSG and I start discussing how we should at least take a nice little weekend getaway while we're there. We decide on Japan. For some reason we each book a flight for our selves. And it's not until we go to board that we realize we are on two separate flights. We both decide that there is no way we want to be on a long ass flight to Japan without each other so we go and talk to airport personnel. They agree to let us go on a flight together on one condition; They want us to carry a bunch of mangos in our carry-on suitcases. We don't think twice about it and agree to the deal. When we get to "Japan", we quickly realize that we are actually in the Philippines in the middle of some street market. Some guy comes up to us and takes our suitcases and we're immediately transported to New York. Once in New York, I discover that several people have accompanied us on our trip. Some of my aunts, one of La Shy Girl's friends (not a real one) and other strangers. We go to Coney Island and LSG and I want to get on a rollercoaster. LSG's friend says she doens't want to wait for us and I tell her to fuck off. Somehow The Mom's joins us and I ask her where my dad is. She says he's still getting ready at the hotel, so I go and get him. He tells me The Mom's got mad at him after she said she felt heavy and he replied with, "well, duh." We walk back to the Coney Island together and I tell him how happy I am that he was able to join us. At this point, La Shy Girl came back into the bedroom and woke me up.

This One Was A Trip

When I promised myself that I would stay out of people's lives, I really meant it. When I told myself that I would stay out of one person's life in particular, I had no doubt that I would stick to my word on it. And I've been good. I really have. But now, the shit is haunting my dreams, yo. For blog purposes we are going to call the person in question Hilda (Only LSG knows why). So trip out on this...

LSG and I head out to dinner with Hilda and her ex-boyfriend, my least favorite uncle and my cousin's cousin. Bizarre in and of itself. This was perhaps the last group of people I would go out with. Actually, the ex-boyfriend in question is my good friend, but I seriously don't like this uncle nor any member of his family. Anyway, so we know we are being risky because Hilda is out with her ex-boyfriend and she chose a restaurant that she frequents with her current, less-liked boyfriend. Sure enough, we walk into the restaurant and there is the boyfriend. And here's where the dream gets freaky...Hilda spawns a double! The double leaves us and walks over to the boyfriend. The other Hilda stays with us. In my dream, I remember thinking, "Oh, good, we got happy, joyful Hilda." And indeed, our Hilda was the Hilda I used to enjoy spending time with. She was the goofy Hilda that didn't feel self-conscious about anything. She was herself. And I watched the other Hilda from across the room and I saw sadness on her face. And she kept watching us with this longing in her eyes. I turned to my cousin's cousin and told her how sad I was for the other Hilda. Cousin's cousin said, "Her bad. She's a big girl...she should know what she's doing." Then she proceeded to tell me all about her new baby. At that point I kept giving La Shy Girl looks to rescue me, but she seemed so happy to be with Hilda that I just let it be.

Usually, I disregard my dreams. But this one was so fucking specific that I am, frankly, a bit freaked out about it. It was absolutely symbolic, yet literal. Hmm....

Lil' Kim y Chino Por Vida

So I’m married to Lil’ Kim, right? (What the fuck?!) Not the fucked up looking Lil’ Kim we know now…but perhaps circa 2000...not that it makes much of a difference. Anway, we have like three children. She’s still dating Biggie Smalls, for which I tell her that she needs to decide between the two of us. I tell her that I’ve had beef with Biggie before and now I just want to live in peace. If she decides to be with Biggie, I’m okay with it, because I understand that there is history, but I really needed her to decide. Here’s where it gets vague…but I think she chose Biggie. At some point I carried her around like you would carry a five-year-old. Don’t remember too many details, but I thought I’d share anyway.

While I Was Sleeping

So I get a call from some lady claiming to be my aunt. She tells me she and her family want to meet me and my family. I’m a bit skeptical, she tells me she is my father’s sister but she had to leave Nicaragua at a young age and lost all contact with her family. I call bullshit and ask her why she hasn’t called my grandmother. She says my grandmother is dead. I say that’s great, fucking Nicaraguans didn’t even bother to tell me. She says I was at the funeral. I tell her she’s trippin’. Turns out she thought I was my Dad. So this woman is my grand aunt…sister to my deceased grandfather. I explain that my Dad passed away almost two years ago and that I’ve lost contact with my extended family. I would however love to meet her. So The Mom’s, LSG and I with our twin babies make our way to this woman’s home. We get there and it feels like we’re in a foreign country but it’s really the 909…I think, because later I tell them we just live down the 91. Anyway, this woman comes out of her home all happy to see us and it’s freakin’ Patti LaBelle! True story! I start jumping up and down screaming, “I told you! I told you!” Out come like 15 other black people, oh, so happy to see me and my little family. I’m crying because I finally feel vindicated. All these years of telling people it’s what’s in your heart that counts, and all along it was in my blood too! By the way, our twin babies never appeared in the dream after the car trip. Anyway, I’m hanging out with all my cousins and they bring out a crate of stuff that they thought I would like. Amazingly it’s a bunch of Janet and Michael LP’s and my little heart skips a beat. Next thing I remember I’m having a conversation with my Auntie Patti telling her she looks like she’s 55 even though she’s really like 90. I remember thinking, can I say “black don’t crack” now that I’ve discovered my bloodline? Then Farrah started digging on LSG’s blanket and I woke up. Oh, so sad that this one wasn’t real.

Chino Valdez: Thetan?

Check this dream out. So, I’ve got this friend (whom I’ve never met) that is trying to get back with his ex, Katie Holmes, right? We’re hanging out somewhere and we run into Katie. My friend starts talking to her and out of nowhere comes Tom Cruise, who tells my friend if he doesn’t stop harassing Katie, he will be evaporated. I’m thinking, “Holy Shit! Is this some sort of Scientology power?” So I tell my friend, “Don’t even trip, Tom and Katie are my neighbors. I’ll just go over and ask them what the deal is with the evaporation.

So, I walk over and they’re having a full-blown party including some of my Nicaraguan relatives. I walk up to Tom and I proceed to ask him some questions about Scientology in general. He proceeds to tell me that he indeed does have the power to evaporate people. He asks if I can keep a secret and proceeds to tell me he is the almighty leader of Scientology. He then tries to recruit me. He says I’ll never need medicine again. When I then see him hooked up to some sort of oxygen tank, he explains it’s for better skin, nails and hair. To which I ask, “Why hasn’t this helped John Travolta?”

Anyway, next thing I remember is being thrown into some body of water experiencing the sensation of drowning. Tom swims up to me, wraps his arms around me and tells me to breathe. I’m able to just float up to the surface and walk out of the water. At this point I’m convinced 100% that Scientology is for me. But then I remember that I have to tell my friends and family about my decision. Even in my dream, I know I’ve talked so much shit on Tom and his religion that my friends will just laugh at me. But I’ve been saved! So I go over to the Mom’s to break the news to her and La Shy Girl. At first they both think I’m crazy…but then the miracle of miracles happens. My Brothers and I are trying to play Atari but we can’t get it to work. Katie walks past our front door and realizes what’s going on; she lets herself in and places a finger on the Atari console. Immediately, the game starts working. At this point there’s no doubt that I will be a Scientologist. Then my alarm went off.

What the hell? I watch too much fucking Access Hollywood.

Street Dreams Are Made of These

So, I used to have just one recurring dream where I am still in school and show up to some class for the final after never attending a lecture. I have that dream over and over again. Recently, though, there’s been a new dream that I’ve been having at least once a week. La Shy Girl and I will be off somewhere when all of a sudden I remember that I’m supposed to be working a shift at Del Taco. Now mind you, I haven’t worked at Del Taco for over ten years now. Where the hell does this come from? So, I get to Del Taco put on my “Shut Up and Eat Your Beans!” t-shirt and my red hat and get to work. I look at the schedule and realize that I’ve missed my shifts for like the past three weeks. Why do I still have a job there? And the whole time I’m working, I feel so completely embarrassed for actually still working at Del Taco. I wake up and thank the universe that at least things haven’t gotten so bad that I actually have to work there again.

Chino Valdez: Celebrity Couple's Counselor

Had a dream last night where I worked to mend John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston's relationship. Johnny was distraught and just needed clarification as to why the relationship ended. Jen felt John was getting out of shape and he knew how important fitness was to her. I said, "I know, you were married to Brad Pitt." If I hadn't been woken up by the gardeners I probably would've saved them.