La Shy Girl and I watched The Holiday over the weekend. You know, that movie where Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet exchange homes with each other for a vacation because they need to escape the men that have done them wrong. Anyway, the Kate Winslet character is totally into her ex even after three years. He kinda strings her along all while being engaged to another woman. Kate is nice and settled in L.A. working hard to fall out love with this dude when the douchebag decides to interrupt her vacation by telling her he misses her and all kinds of other bullshit. In the meantime he’s still engaged. Kate finally realizes she’s gotta let go and she does, finding love with Jack Black.
Anyway, as we’re watching this, I call this guy (the ex-boyfriend) an asshole. I mean Kate is really trying to get over him and here he is fucking it all up for her. And La Shy Girl ever so graciously reminds me that I have been this asshole. And this wave of guilt came over me because she was right. Big time. I too have been that guy that strings a girl along knowing very well there were never any plans to commit. Pinche asshole! But to fully give you the picture I have to go a few years back…
Picture little Chino at the tender age of 15…fucked up teeth and all. He dates his first high school girlfriend, La Lesbiana (she later went on to do some experimenting). She ends up being the first of many things for him. They break up a few months later. Little Chino is sad. Fast forward a year and a half and Chino is now dating Boquisha and embarking on a five year, on and off drama fest. Boquisha is extremely good at manipulation and pretty much has little Chino wrapped around her finger. They break up the first time. Chino runs back to La Lesbiana. Chino promises he wants to be with her and has gotten over Boquisha. Then Boquisha calls Chino and tells him she wants him back. Chino calls it all off with La Lesbiana. Repeat this scenario approximately 5 or 6 different times over a course of five years. I did some pretty serious damage.
As I was trying to explain this behavior to LSG, I realized that at the time, I’m not sure I felt bad at all. Boquisha’s grip on me was so tight that I could care less about hurting anyone as I was just so happy to be with her again. But it’s not like I didn’t know what I was doing. I figured out a way to keep La Lesbiana on hold just in case things with Boquisha didn’t work out. I knew I could just call her and she would make herself available to me. Truthfully, if I was a recovering addict and had to make amends for all my bads, she would be at the very top of my list. Because she trusted me each time I called her and told her I was ready to be with her for good. She believed me every single time. And every single time I fucked it up. I think subconsciously I wanted it all to be true. I wanted to have those feelings for her so I could move on from crazy bitch. To my credit, I was 17-22. I didn’t know what the fuck I wanted. And I hope that she’s happy. God, I hope she found an incredible man or woman who loves her and treats her like a queen. I swear I still feel like shit about this.
I wonder, though, is it our insecurities that keep us wanting these people to be available to us whenever we want them, no matter how sporadic these needs might be? Is it cockiness? How in the fuck do we grow the balls to contact someone after so much time has passed and expect them to still want to even talk to us? I’ve been the asshole, but I’ve also been on the other pathetic end. I’ve been the fool that waits for a phone call. That prays for a phone call. Seriously, I once broke up with a girl while Boquisha was listening on my phone. Because she wanted me to do it. For real. God, I was fucking P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C!
I can never ever truly tell La Lesbiana how sorry I am. I was unfair and heartless with her. And it pains me to know that she remembers me as the biggest asshole of her young life. It’s funny how we can remember all the bad things others have done to us. It’s always easier to be the victim than to realize you’re the bad guy. But we do some pretty fucked up things as human beings. And playing with someone’s heart is just not cool. I think we become so dissatisfied with our lives that maybe we don’t realize what we’re doing. We don’t realize that by making that phone call, we bring on a wave of emotions that the other person has worked hard to work through. In this movie we watched, both Cameron and Kate go from brokenhearted ladies to women in love in under a month. Pretty unrealistic. But the emotions felt so real that they hit home. We’ve all been young and we’ve all been stupid. But then we have to grow up and be adults. And then we learn that sometimes when we fuck things up, there is no fixing them. And we want to fix them to make ourselves feel better…to help us deal with the guilt. Half the time, I doubt it’s about the other person. But you know what? Sometimes we deserve and even need that guilt so that we don’t turn around and do it to someone else. Sometimes our actions serve as little reminders that we never want to be that people we once were. And sometimes fate has a way of sending you redemption disguised as cute little wife. Because no matter how fucked up you were to someone, you still deserve a break.
