La Shy Girl got her hair did last Friday night (and it looks mighty nice, may I add). She's not supposed to drive at night, and she gets her hair done in Rancho Cucamonga, so I usually drop her off and then do my own thing for a few hours. Sometimes I'll call The BFF or The Bro and they're gracious enough to want to hang out with me. Other times, though, I kinda just like to be by myself. And this past Friday, it's what I did. I took myself out to dinner at some vegan Thai place and, I shit you not, it kinda played out like this...I got there and the host automatically sent me to the counter to either place or pick up a to-go order. I explained that I was looking to dine-in. He asked me where the rest of my party was and I told him it was just me. Only after giving me an awkward look, did he proceed to seat me in the farthest back table (next to the cleaning supplies closet). And then it took about fifteen minutes for a waiter to come over and take me drink order. Now, usually, I don't play that. Under normal circumstances, I would have gotten up and demanded that someone take my fucking order. But, my choices are limited now, so I took it. And instead of turning to my usual external anger response, I employed an internal self-conscious one. I convinced myself that I was being treated poorly because I was there alone.
Suddenly, it felt like all eyes were on me. I'd look up and I could have sworn that the people at the nearest table (about five over) were giving me looks of sympathy. So I started to fidget with my Blackberry. I even considered making a few phone calls. I figured out clever ways to place my left hand on my face so everyone could see my wedding band. It became important to me that everyone saw I was married and not some pathetic schmuck that goes out to dinner alone on a Friday night. I freaked out about being alone. After I ate, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. On the way to Barnes and Noble, I couldn't help but laugh at myself and my ridiculous reaction.
You see, I like spending time alone. If I may say so myself, I make some pretty damn good company. But the pressure of being alone in a social atmosphere proved to be more than I can handle. After dinner I spent about an hour at the bookstore alone. And then another hour at the coffee shop alone. I was fine. There was just something about being in that restaurant. And I started thinking about who that makes me. If you rewind about ten years, you would see that I had isolated myself from anyone positive in my life. I'd surrounded myself with a bunch of poisonous people and, inevitably, I too was infected. And when those people went away, I was convinced that I wanted to be alone. I was convinced that I could go on without ever making another significant human connection again. I'd pictured living alone and spending as much time with myself as possible. I was quite the dramatic lad...of course, now that would be completely impossible.
Even when I spend time alone, someone is always on mind. If I'm at the bookstore, I'm thinking of what book LSG would like. If I'm at a movie alone, I instictively lean to my right. The truth is that I have formed some amazingly strong human bonds in my adult years. I have allowed myself to let down my guard and let myself depend on others. And now I can't imagine my life without the handful of people I've come to truly value. I could never be alone.
And I think about those that have to be. The feeling of being alone can be a freakin' terrible one. I mean look at my #1 cougar Marie Osmond's son...the last words he wrote were something along the lines of not having any friends and feeling alone. Some people can't handle it. And what's sadder than having someone there, waking up next to someone every single morning and still feeling alone. That blows. Being alone can have some crazy adverse effects on us. We might stay in a shitty relationship because we don't want to be alone. We might associate with unhealthy people because we don't want to be alone. Instead we should go out to the world and find the people that will bring a sense of completion to us. No one can feed our souls if we don't seek out that much needed nourishment. (Ay guey!)
