ChinoValdez.com

Can You Keep A Secret?

Secrets can be motherfuckers. Sometimes you come across some information that you wish you would've never found out about. Somehow the fucking burden becomes yours and it sucks. Especially when it's something that you consider to be morally wrong and the person doing the wronging doesn't seem inclined to make it right. This weekend I was forced to face a situation that I was not quite ready for.

 

See, knowing this shit, I figured the best way to handle it was avoidance. This is all pretty new to me. It's like you've got to protect your alliance (as weak as it may be) by keeping their secret, but at the same time, what they've done is so shitty that you don't even want to face the other person. As a man, as a human, there are certain things I cannot justify. I know that if down the line I found out LSG was running some dirty shit on the down low and those that I sat with and had dinner with and laughed with knew about it the whole time, I would feel like the world’s biggest fool. So, I thought I’d remove myself from the situation. I don’t want that on my conscience. So it presents a hardship when you’re forced to interact with the one person you are not quite ready to face.

 

And I do consider the whole, “why should I feel bad, when I’m not the one fucking up in the first place?” But the thing is, I just can’t stand by it. I can’t know what I know and then still sit there and watch someone be affectionate to someone who is completely oblivious to what’s going on. It makes me sick. And I’m sure I came across as the biggest asshole, but I couldn’t even look them in the face. I couldn’t. So really, while I’m trying to not be a bad person, I sure as fuck acted like one. But how do you explain that? Truly makes you wish people would just come clean with their shit. On the real.

Nerve

As if my day was not going bad enough…here’s a question for you all. How in the fuck do people grow the nerve to try and pull off some crazy shit?! It’s like this: If I was to go and royally fuck up the beautiful thing I have with La Shy Girl. Let’s say I leave her to be with another woman, decide that’s not going to work and then try and get her back. Let’s say I get her back, change my mind again, and then go back to the other woman. Then I decide, no, I want to be with LSG after all. At some point, I’d have to dig deep and conjure up some human decency. I mean, I would be absolutely mortified to face not only La Shy Girl but her friends and family as well. I could never have the nerve to show my face again. That’s why my rule as an adult has always been if you break up with someone, you’re breaking up for good. Cause then you avoid that whole awkward reunion with people from your partner’s life. You know they went and talked shit to all their friends while you were broken up and then here you are showing up to the next birthday dinner at fucking TGIFriday’s. Not even right. But some people are all about that. I don’t get it. I really don’t. How is it that some people can maneuver their way through situations like these?

I’m saying they either have balls of steel, or they just have no sense of what they’re doing. But how do you not know? I remember someone I know dating some girl that later cheated on him. Of course he came and told us all. He figured he wouldn’t be getting back together with her so he might as well let it all out. Lo and behold, they got back together down the line and he brought her to a family gathering. While she’s there, completely unassuming, someone else asks her about what went down. Poor girl ran out of there like it was nobody’s business. She thought none of us knew! SUCKS! But then she continued to come over like nothing ever happened. I really don’t think I could do that. It’s one thing when you’re young and stupid…but as an adult, you should be pretty ashamed of yourself. On the real.

Open Letter to Myself

My Dearest Chino,

Dude, you’ve worked on this. You’ve had discussions about this. You’ve written about this. Enough is enough, kiddo. You’ve got to understand that some people are just fucked up. No matter how much you want to believe they aren’t…they are. You need to understand that just because someone comes to you and confides in you, it doesn’t mean that it won’t blow up in your face later. How many times must you go through this before it is 100% clear? Listen, dude…you’ve got La Shy Girl to worry about. You’ve got enough on your plate with all your guys’ issues. Stop getting sucked into other people’s shit. For real…this person has shown you time and time again that they don’t need your help. Quit acting like you can save them. You watch Big Brother. You study it. You know about manipulation. You know a person will say whatever they need to say to make sure they always look like the good guy. You know about looking out for #1. This is all this person is doing. Stop playing their game. If they can’t see that certain situations are exclusively their doing…that’s their bad. Not for you to worry about. You’re a smart guy. You know that if you went around telling your friends what a sucky wife La Shy Girl was (not that she is...any of you who read this know she's not...but you get my point); If you found every opportunity to tell someone how unhappy you were…then you wouldn’t be shocked that your friends started to resent La Shy Girl. You would understand why your friends would think you’re a fool. But just because you understand this, doesn’t mean others do as well. Look, I know you’re a nice guy. I know you like to see the goodness in everyone. Enough is enough. You would have missed out on one of the best friendships you have if you’d only listened to a particular point of view. Do not blindly not like someone for the sake of someone who, frankly, does not deserve it. And you do not deserve to feel like shit because of this. It’s time you grow up and, for real, move past this shit. You are above this. Practice what you preach, motherfucker. And if the person can’t come to you directly with their concerns and you hear about it from others, they don’t deserve your consideration. You need to move on. Done and done, kiddo. This Nicaraguan need to hang on to shit brings you no good. Don’t forget that boy told you get that dirt off your shoulders.

Much Love,

Chino

Hindsight

They say hindsight is 20/20…I couldn’t agree more. I truly wish I possessed the strength, wisdom and patience that the Mom’s has as it would save me from so much irrational Nicaraguan behavior. It is too easy for me to become upset at something without first trying to think it through. Eventually, I’m reminded that whoever I happened to get pissed at, was never even worth the effort in the first place. I wish I could learn to recognize that before I allow myself to get so caught up in the silliness.

Whenever I feel as if there’s no way out of a situation or can think of no legal way of handling it, fate usually has a way of showing me things aren’t always as it seems. Once, long ago, I felt as if I was under the grasp of an evil tyrant and there was nothing I could do to escape their wrath. Then I learned they couldn’t even make double-sided copies and all order was restored in Chinoland. And just recently, I once more allowed someone to get to me with their stupidity. Just someone who, again, was talking out of their ass without knowing the facts. And then thanks to the wonderful thing that is the internet, I realized this person is a complete moron. And it just made me feel better about the whole thing.

Yet Another Big Brother Analogy

What's that saying about opinions and assholes?

I love being American because I have the right to pretty much say and write whatever the fuck I want and get away with it. So, who am I to hate on someone for expressing their opinion? I'm a crazy Nicaraguan, that's who. Look, I'm saying, go ahead and say whatever you want, but for God's sake let it have merit. Do some research. Just a few weeks ago, I had a nice e-mail discussion with some paisa running a "Yeah, Illegal Immigration!" campaign. I felt that I shouldn't quite hate on it unless I fully knew what it was about. So I asked her. And I got my answers. And now I can hate intelligently as I know what a joke it is. But if I'd continued to talk shit without knowing, I'd be the fool.

Life really is one Big Brother episode. Those who want you on their side will tell you whatever you need to hear to get you. The good players...the ones that stick around are those that inform themselves. Those that know what's going on both sides of the house. The ones that eventually get thrown under the bus are the idiots that speak without knowing. The ones that want it both ways. They want to portray themselves as the nice guys in the house, but then go around talking shit behind everyone's back. Eventually it catches up to them.

And so, when in doubt, don't just listen to some toothless hobbit's version of a story. Get the facts. Then speak. Plain and simple. Word.

E-Mail

E-mail has been the topic of several conversations over the last few weeks and now the Mom’s is in the middle of a pretty entertaining e-mail feud, and I’ve been thinking…have e-mails replaced the verbal conversation? Are we using e-mail as an easier method to confront those we have issues with? And wouldn’t it be easier to simply converse with someone in order to avoid any misunderstandings? Surely, we can’t be so busy that we don’t have time to pick up the phone and speak with someone. Furthermore, most of us have got to have the balls to speak our minds rather than coward behind a keyboard, right? No, not so much. Lord knows I am 100% guilty of avoiding face-to-face awkward conversations as much as possible. And shit if I could only communicate via e-mail with certain people, the world would be a brighter place.

Back to the misunderstanding part; one never knows what kind of mood the person you’re writing to is going to be in upon reading your message. Something that was meant to be innocent can be misconstrued and blown way out of proportion. I have made final decisions on ending relationships based on e-mails. (The Mute called it a “Swat Meet” once. Really? She got dumped.) But, admittedly, I have been that major asshole that has sent scathing messages to people. I’m good at telling people off verbally, but I am a freaking genius if I get a chance to write things down. There is one e-mail I will never forgive myself for sending, though. Honestly, there are two people in this world that I wholeheartedly apologize for treating them less than what they deserved. One was the recipient of the aforementioned e-mail and the other is La Lesbiana. (More on that later)

I can never, ever take back the cruel things I wrote in that e-mail. She was truly one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I acted like a big, big donkey dick. And it is a testament to this woman’s good nature for me to report that we are still friends. But I often wonder if things would be different had I never hit send. On the real, there are few things I’ve done that I am this sorry for. And I will never get tired of saying it. (Pasensya ka na, Ading)

Anyway, thank God I have grown up so much since then. While I have stopped sending the bad e-mails, unless someone else starts it, I am still guilty of choosing e-mail versus verbal communication. But, I’ve determined that the importance of a person or the situation in my life warrants the type of communication I have with them. I mean, I’d be calling La Shy Girl every 5 minutes if it wasn’t for e-mail.

The Nicaraguan has left the building...

Being half-Nicaraguan, I grew up listening to my Dad,Grandma and other Nicaraguan family members constantly re-hashing stories on why they hated certain people so much, and I thought it was just part of life. So it was something that I naturally adopted as part of my own person. But now I’m learning that it takes too much energy to dislike someone so much. It’d be so much easier if I could just suck it up, put my feelings aside and try to get along with them. No matter how fake it is. So I’m going to give it a shot. I’m going to try as hard as I can to accept people for who they are, no matter how stupid I think they are. There are people that certainly I will never be “friends” with again and most definitely am not interested in having a relationship with, but I want to try and no longer go out of my way to avoid them or hate on them. As much as I want to keep some of my Father’s legacy alive…it’s just not in me that much any more. It’s a little heartbreaking to slowly let go of this aspect of my personality…but it feels like, naturally, it’s what should be.

Whatchu Say About My Mama?!

I tend to be a pretty mellow guy; for the most part...I think it’s the Mexican in me. I like to consider myself a lover, not a fighter. But every once in a while the Nicaraguan side likes to take over a la Incredible Hulk. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to tame this side of me. Not too many people that I associate with now have seen this…a true testament that I’ve got it under control. Sort of. Cause then I hear about family being stupid with my Mom…and the blood starts flowing, the heart starts beating, the breathing gets heavier, the Nicaraguan Rage takes over. And I can’t help it. My mind fills with ideas of the proper vengeance…nothing I’ll ever follow through with as I’m afraid of the law, though.

I am so ridiculously protective of the people I love in this world…but no one more than La Shy Girl and the Mom, yo! And I know it’s just people being stupid…the rational side of me understands that, believe me…but it’s hard to shake off. I don't understand how people can lose sight of what family really means. What it's supposed to be. I don't think you should be jealous of your sister if others decide to celebrate her birthday...especially if you already know that people are just being nice to her because her husband recently passed away. It don't hurt you...stop trippin'. And if you're supposed to be so happy with your "perfect" life and your "perfect" kids, quit worrying about what others are doing. Plain and simple.

2 Sides

I learned early on that every one tends to reveal who they are to you from the get-go. We sometimes want to think that they can change into who we want them to be, but in reality, that person will continue to be who they really are. And then we get hurt when they don't call again, when they're late again, when they're drunk in public again, when they make up some outrageous lie again…these individuals can't help being who they are. My nature is to be a fixer…I suppose it's why I do what I do for a living. And I'm quite defensive about the people I love…and I like to stand up for the underdog. That being said…there is a line between wanting to listen and wanting to help and allowing yourself to be absorbed by whatever situation. I have yet to learn how not to cross that line. I have yet to learn how to remove myself from the situation and look at things without bias. But time and time, I find myself wanting to think that people are finally going to step up and be the human being I keep thinking they're capable of being. And because of this I've found myself in situations that I don't need to be in, but most importantly, where I am simply listening blindly...if that makes any sense. Over and over again I've been put, or I've allowed myself to be put, in situations where my instinct to defend ends up making me look like the bad guy. People like to play both sides of the card. People like to have their cake and eat it too. No matter whom they throw under the bus… and in the meantime, I still believe. It's silly, really. But another lesson learned….always look for the other side, especially when your source has proven to be unreliable before. But most importantly…mind your own fucking business!!!

On Cutting People Off

Officially ready to cut the bullshit people out of my life. I get these little epiphanies whenever I hang out with my brothers and mom lately. I always leave feeling such peace within. Besides La Shy Girl, these are the three people that know me best. I can't pull any of my shit with them because they're not shy about calling me out about it. It's taken me a long time to get to this point though. I never thought I'd be able to have a full, real conversation with my brothers whom are 6 and 8 years younger than me. And they encourage me to to appreciate the goodness in people...and realize that some people just don't have it in them. And I can't keep making excuses for them regardless of whatever history is shared with them. I'm realizing that if someone truly cares for me, they'd say hi to me in a genuine fashion EVERYTIME they saw me...not just when they were in the mood for it. And if I have to pretend I'm someone else or censor myself around anyone then they're no longer worth my time. This last year I've learned that all you can be is true to yourself...because at the end of the day, it's all you have. I need to keep it real, yo! I know what a friend means to me. And I'm willing to go broke so I can be at my friend's wedding. I know what family means to me...The Mom's, Brothers 1 and 2 and La Shy Girl. The rest, I can count on both hands who I truly love and trust. I can't begin to express how good it feels to keep it real, yo! And it's only going to get better. I'm cutting off the drama, yo!