Working Some Shit Out

You know how sometimes you hear a story about some neglected old person somewhere, like, maybe they’re broke or lonely…all the while having adult children and family in some other state. It’s pretty easy to automatically call the children assholes or wonder how they can be so cruel to their poor old person. Over the last few years I have learned that, that poor old person wasn’t always a defenseless, old, wrinkled human being. No, at some point in their life, they might have been a selfish, uncaring, younger adult. In other words, you reap what you sow. More than likely, there is a reason why the person’s family has chosen to stay away.

With that in mind, I’d like to tell you all a little story. Picture this: Me sitting on my couch familiarizing myself with my newly installed cable channels. My phone rings. I look over and see a 909 number on my caller ID. Innocently, I think it might be The BFF or The Bro calling me from a different number than I have stored. So I pick up. And I hear a voice that all at once seems very familiar, but still takes my brain quite a few seconds to process. "Oh. Hi. Grandma."

I’m trapped. My heart starts beating at an accelerated pace…I can literally hear my heart beat. This woman is by far, not at the top of my list of people I want to have a conversation with. And we talk about nonsense. Her feeling lonely, but grateful that my cousins have dogs to keep her company. Health-wise, she’s good, with the exception of her bones. All the while I knew eventually we’d get to what she really wanted. Info. How’s The Mom’s? What has she been up to? Is [Brother #1] working? Is it true he has a son now? She then says she thinks about us all the time, but doesn’t have the courage to see us. She says she especially misses Brother #1 but in the same breath asks me, "What's his name again?" Come to think of it, she never even asked me how I was doing.

Let me tell you a few things about my grandmother before I get to my true feelings. Growing up, she was by far my favorite grandma. I can say that now…although I denied it most of my childhood to anyone who asked. It’s not that The Mom’s mom was bad, it’s just that I saw her every day. And I had to compete with like 100 other cousins for her attention. With my Dad’s mom, I felt I had developed a one-on-one relationship. And I saw her maybe once or twice a month…so it was always such a treat to see her. And every time I saw her, she’d give up some cash…that was always a bonus.

It wasn’t until I got a bit older that I saw her for who she really was. And let me say that many people have let me down in life. But not many have hurt as much as she. You know how when you go to therapy, it is the therapist’s job to help you get to the root of whatever issue you’re going through? Guess who’d get mentioned quite a bit. I mean, my self-consciousness can probably be traced back to good ole’ grandma. Being told at 9 that the cellulite on my thighs was not healthy and that I needed to stop eating so much was engraved in my head for life. (Not that it made a difference...obviously.) And then, when puberty kicked in, I wouldn’t so much as get greeted before pimples on my face got pointed out. Instead of cash, I started getting Avon acne treatments…that, incidentally, were never requested. One time I was being stupid with my friends, stuck my head out the car window and my glasses flew off. The folks weren’t doing so well, so I called the grandma for some help. She lent me the money for new glasses and then shortly after began to incessantly ask for it back every single time she saw me. No big deal, except I was 16 and working part-time at Del Taco...how responsible could I have been back then? And in the meantime she was paying my 22-year-old cousin’s rent and car payment. And then on her birthday one year, I dropped off some flowers and a card at her door. When she called to tell me she got them, she said she thought I'd left her money for her in the envelope. Before saying thank you. Whatever.

I have worked through those childhood issues (although you wouldn't think so by reading this...I'm just trying to give you background.) As with most people who chipped in on damaging young Chino, The Mom’s was always there to bring balance. Thank goodness. Shit like that still hurts though. Fast forward a few years to when my Dad got sick. The Mom’s, being the sole bread winner, had to juggle taking care of Dad and maintaining her job. So she calls my grandma for some help. She, at first, says no because one of my aunts doesn’t have a babysitter. Umm…your son, the only son that bothers to call you on a daily basis is battling cancer and you’re concerned about my fucking aunt not having a babysitter? Anyway, eventually, she did move in with my parents and did help in taking care of my Dad until the day he died. Big Up’s to her for that. In the process, she drove The Mom’s and The Brothers absolutely crazy. Even my poor Dad wanted her shipped away at one point.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a million times. Fuck with the people I love and you will see a side of me you will not like. Every single time I’d come over I’d get a report of how grandma would tell The Brothers they were too fat or would criticize The Mom’s on a million and one things. At some point you start to build some resentment. Towards the very end of my Dad’s life, so many tumors had grown in his colon that his body was not capable of taking care of business properly. The waste still had to come out one way or another (I'll spare you the details.) And didn’t this crazy old lady make it a point to tell my Dad how he was grossing her out? That was it.

One last thing and I’ll stop antagonizing her…when my Dad finally died and The Mom’s came under attack by his family, she had every opportunity to say, "I was with [The Mom’s] every step of the way. Believe me, she and the doctors did everything they could have done. The cancer was just found too late. How about we just leave her alone and allow her to grieve in peace?" But that’s not what happened. Instead, she just fueled the flames. I have to say, that, that period was by far the worst my family and I have lived through. Each of us was experiencing a type of pain we’d never felt before. We needed people to ask us how we were doing, ask us if we needed anything. Instead we got, why didn’t you try this? What if you’d done this? She simply didn’t have our backs.

You’re probably thinking, "Chino, cut the old lady some slack." I can’t. Even if I wanted to. And when I was talking on the phone with her, not only did I feel like I was betraying my family but I truly felt like I was betraying myself. Shortly, after my Dad died, I decided to pay her a visit. Back then I was dealing with guilt and trying to do what my Dad would have wanted me to do. So I hung out with her for a little and I vowed to return. Time went by and when I actually wanted to go back and see her, I'd put on some weight. And then I just didn't want to face her because I didn't want to hear from her. That was too sick for me. I was prepared for the next time I'd hear about her it being about the funeral arrangements.I did not want to talk to her. And I don't feel guilty about not wanting a relationship with her.

That's the thing, too many times...epecially in my culture, we're forced to be around people that, for lack of a better word are poisonous. My grandmother is a big ass pool of negativity. Talking to her, I couldn't feel sorry for her. I couldn't feel bad that I cut her out of my life. I don't hate her. Don't get it twisted...I just don't want her in my life. And I truly can't help but believe in Karma. Look, you treat people around you like shit your entire life and eventually it catches up to you. Plain and simple. I mean, how many times can you put a person down before they just walk away? Right? Word.

Comments

[Peggy Maresh]

Most of us can relate to this in some way.

My friend Paula's mom is just plain mean. It doesn't matter either that she is old and becoming more helpless as the years go by. She was always mean, as is still mean.

One example, last year Paula's brother was diagnosed with cancer. Paula called her mom to inform her of the news. Her mother's response "Does this mean that now he's not going to pay for my dental work" ? Not one word as to how is her son doing,or what is his prognosis.

Paula has many bitter tales to tell.

We all carry around mental scars from our childhood.

[Andy]

I could not agree with you more!
During the course of my self-searching I've come to learn and accept certain things. One being that you don't surround yourself with people just because they are related. Your true family is the people that you love, care about, make you feel good about yourself and the ones that you wish to be around. No romance is necessary for people that you are simply related to yet have no emotional attachment to. None!
You create a life for yourself that makes you happy and content and proud of. Any negativity and toxicity will only create chaos and you don't need that.

[myko]

Fuck that bitch!!!